Post by ChiChu Aikou on Sept 15, 2008 21:36:04 GMT -5
UGH! Ok, yes. I'm saying ugh. But what else can I do? Ooh! I know one word that covers even more of my horrid emotions!
NYAHRG!!!!!
Yeah, that works. Nyahrg is the answer to all... It means everything and nothing, all at once. The best and worst emotions. The nicest compliment and most insulting insult. That's quite deep, now isn't it?
Yep, I thought so.
Why am I feeling so damn 'Nyahrg'-ish today, you might ask. Because life is a BEAUTIFUL thing!- And it fricken sucks.
It's beautiful because I'm finally going to tell Eiji how I feel. I inda asked him out on a date-ish thing and everything!
It sucks because it's not really a date- yet. It could very well just end up being a night where I tell him how I feel and he's digusted and our friendship gets ruined.
But then again, Yukai might have been more helpful in this situation then she'd ever admit. I mean, he pretty much TOLD me that I should tell him, and she didn't EXACTLY deny it when I asked her if he liked me... I mean, she would know, right? And se would never tell me to do something that would hrt me, because ten she'd hurt, right? Or... maybe she just like feeling others pain and she likes pain and-
GAH!!! I'm frustrated...
Ok, you want to know something I just noticed?
Jinx is like, always hanging on Eiji. I mean, sometimes it's rare that I see one of them without the other- which is ne reason why I haven't told him yet... kinda....
I mean, I know I don't have any right to him or anything (Yet -crosses fingers-) and I don't mean to sound like a jealous bitch... But it's REALLY annoying.Half the time I have to have Yukai there just so I don't snap the little luck-charm's head off and smash every bone in her body- It's hard, ok?
I mean, she's my friend, and I love her like I love all my friends, but him... I love him in a quite different way. And he might never understand that. I don't even understand it... But my guidance councilor/therapist (Some teachers figured I had too much pent up aggression to go without help...) says that my name has like and unwritten part of my mark to it... My last name, to be specific.
Aikou means love... And they told me that, for some reason, I love different from others... Like, love all my friends... but with Eiji, it's more complicated.
Don't get me wrong; there are times that I'd love nothing more then to snap his pretty little head off... But I can't. I'd probably do anything for him... and that scares me. I mean, I don't know what it is about him, but I know that theirs no one in the world care more about. He's the one I always make sure my hair is PERFECT for. He's the one I've been studying so hard to skip a grade for. He's the one I have to try the hardest not to kill.
I think, because I've been around him so long, his blood as started to smell sweeter to me. And because I know him, it also means something to me. He's the one I'd rather die then kill.
I guess the most forbidden blood smells the sweetest.
But do you know who's blood doesn't smell so sweet?
Kuro.
Kuro's like a poison to me. And not just his blood. I talked to him the other day, and I realized... he messes with everything I think. The way I act. He sees me as something he has to protect, but I'm in no need of that, and I don't deserve it.
He reminded me of something...
My parents.
I'm gonna hate myself for this (more then I already do), but he got me thinking about them and their deaths... and how it makes me a murderer.
If anyone new I killed my own parents when I was only a few weeks old, then I doubt they'll be as accepting as they already are. Yes, I realize that few accept me, but those who do would hate me and those who don't would hate and fear me more...
Nyahrg! Where's Yukai when I need her...?!
NYAHRG!!!!!
Yeah, that works. Nyahrg is the answer to all... It means everything and nothing, all at once. The best and worst emotions. The nicest compliment and most insulting insult. That's quite deep, now isn't it?
Yep, I thought so.
Why am I feeling so damn 'Nyahrg'-ish today, you might ask. Because life is a BEAUTIFUL thing!- And it fricken sucks.
It's beautiful because I'm finally going to tell Eiji how I feel. I inda asked him out on a date-ish thing and everything!
It sucks because it's not really a date- yet. It could very well just end up being a night where I tell him how I feel and he's digusted and our friendship gets ruined.
But then again, Yukai might have been more helpful in this situation then she'd ever admit. I mean, he pretty much TOLD me that I should tell him, and she didn't EXACTLY deny it when I asked her if he liked me... I mean, she would know, right? And se would never tell me to do something that would hrt me, because ten she'd hurt, right? Or... maybe she just like feeling others pain and she likes pain and-
GAH!!! I'm frustrated...
Ok, you want to know something I just noticed?
Jinx is like, always hanging on Eiji. I mean, sometimes it's rare that I see one of them without the other- which is ne reason why I haven't told him yet... kinda....
I mean, I know I don't have any right to him or anything (Yet -crosses fingers-) and I don't mean to sound like a jealous bitch... But it's REALLY annoying.
I mean, she's my friend, and I love her like I love all my friends, but him... I love him in a quite different way. And he might never understand that. I don't even understand it... But my guidance councilor/therapist (Some teachers figured I had too much pent up aggression to go without help...) says that my name has like and unwritten part of my mark to it... My last name, to be specific.
Aikou means love... And they told me that, for some reason, I love different from others... Like, love all my friends... but with Eiji, it's more complicated.
Don't get me wrong; there are times that I'd love nothing more then to snap his pretty little head off... But I can't. I'd probably do anything for him... and that scares me. I mean, I don't know what it is about him, but I know that theirs no one in the world care more about. He's the one I always make sure my hair is PERFECT for. He's the one I've been studying so hard to skip a grade for. He's the one I have to try the hardest not to kill.
I think, because I've been around him so long, his blood as started to smell sweeter to me. And because I know him, it also means something to me. He's the one I'd rather die then kill.
I guess the most forbidden blood smells the sweetest.
But do you know who's blood doesn't smell so sweet?
Kuro.
Kuro's like a poison to me. And not just his blood. I talked to him the other day, and I realized... he messes with everything I think. The way I act. He sees me as something he has to protect, but I'm in no need of that, and I don't deserve it.
He reminded me of something...
My parents.
I'm gonna hate myself for this (more then I already do), but he got me thinking about them and their deaths... and how it makes me a murderer.
If anyone new I killed my own parents when I was only a few weeks old, then I doubt they'll be as accepting as they already are. Yes, I realize that few accept me, but those who do would hate me and those who don't would hate and fear me more...
Nyahrg! Where's Yukai when I need her...?!
Chewed-up-inside
Chewy
Chewy
